No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
