I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
