so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
