god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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