Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
