So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
