Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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