Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
