Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
