Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
