just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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