i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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