there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
