He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
