You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
