Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
