Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
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this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
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Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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