Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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