He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
