I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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