I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
