Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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