I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
