feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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