my vag is so smooth its legendary
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
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he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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