I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
