matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
