Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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