I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
