It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
