If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Randomize
