Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
