He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
sex in a hospital.. check
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
