does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
