my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
