The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
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