i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
you traded sex for a burrito?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Randomize
