planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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