I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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