Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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