I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
