im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I have aggressive nipples.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
