Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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