When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
