if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
