Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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