Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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