So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
