Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
