are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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