So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
