drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
