A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
