I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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