Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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