This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
