I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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