I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I booty called her while she was in labor.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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