Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Houston, we have a blender
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
