What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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